I first heard about our church’s internship program 2 years ago. I was in awe that such an opportunity existed, the chance to be mentored by some of the greatest ministers and world changers in this city!!! God dropped it in my heart then that I would one day go through this internship program. A year later I applied but had to gracefully withdraw myself from the application process due to high demands at work.
Internship came with its own set of struggles… There was a mandatory discipleship course that started at 4, in the valley (if you live in LA you know what that means lol) and 15 hours of volunteer work had to be completed in the area of interning. As a single mother of 3 children working a full time job, these challenges seemed to intensify.
I prayed to the Lord and simply asked Him to let me know when to apply again… Seasons went by and quite a few changes were made. In December of last year I heard the Lord tell me I was in preparation… Not 100% sure what for but I knew that God was preparing me for something so when the internship season came around again in January, I knew this was the time. I knew God was leading me so I was confident that my job and life demands would line up with the required schedule of internship. I cleared a flexible schedule with my boss and applied for an opportunity to intern in our outreach department. I had not asked God where I should intern, I figured I knew best since I have a heart for outreach… and He gave me my heart, right??
I successfully went through all of interviewing phases and alas… I am accepted into the internship program… in kids… WHAT??!!??!! Yes, that was my initial response… “Oh NO this MUST be a MISTAKE!!!” “I didn’t even put kids on my application… How could they have gotten this screwed up???” Those were just a very small few of the words that came out of my mouth… shocking, I know lol. To say I had a fit would be a VAST understatement… I behaved like a 3 year old child who was hungry, ready for a nap and was just put in timeout… yeah, it was that bad. My mentor sat with me through my breakdown and in the kindest of words let me know that was not that serious lol… she reminded me that God is not subject to one path…. He has limitless ways to get to a desired destination. Although I heard all she said, I was adamant about throwing myself a pity party.
I went home later that evening and laid in the bed whining to God… bringing up old stuff (why do we always have to bring up old stuff), reminding God of all the other disappointments I’ve had. Then, as I am laying there, I am gently reminded of the prayer I prayed a few weeks back… “Lord, wherever to tell me to go, I will go… Whatever you tell me to do, I will do”… Talk about the softest, most loving SLAP in YOUR face lol… I immediately repented and allowed God to actually answer the questions I had in between the whining. He simply reminded me that He is Good and that He can see things I can’t… He knows what He is doing. In that moment I knew that interning in Kids is Gods plan and while I have no idea what is going to come of all this, He knows and that has to be enough.
I had to make some sacrifices in other areas of living and serving but with each one, God was right there giving me comfort and Joy. I am sure He was shaking His head while I was having my tantrum… probably saying “why is she doing this to herself” lol… But I am even more sure that He watched over me with warmth and satisfaction as I laid down my wants to follow His path.
Disappointment comes when our expectations (fantasies) don’t match up with our reality… It is wonderful to have dreams and expectations but our expectations for ourselves cannot be bigger than our desire to live wholeheartedly for God. Sometimes we can get so caught up on what could be… that we miss out on what is right now. God has so many promises for us in His word and He is constantly fulfilling them… I would hate to miss out on the move of God simply because it doesn’t look like I expected it to look.